Sometimes I Know Who I Am

January 15, 2012

Succinct Definition

Filed under: Uncategorized — sometimesiknowwhoiam @ 4:03 am

It is our demons that make us human.

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March 17, 2011

Reclamation

Filed under: Poetry — sometimesiknowwhoiam @ 12:00 am

I’m taking it back
Maybe you didn’t even know you had it
(Some of you did)
I’m not sure I meant to give it away
But now I know
And I’m taking it back

I’m reclaiming the power I ceded to you
The power you’ve had over me
Guilt
Doubt
Questions
I’m erasing it all
By denying you your power over me

I know you won’t understand
But this is not anger or vengeance
You simply haven’t earned this
(Maybe you never wanted it)
I never should have given it to you
So now I want it back
And I’m taking it

February 20, 2011

Crossroads and Choices

Filed under: Poetry — sometimesiknowwhoiam @ 11:17 pm

I don’t know how much this process of writing has helped me during the nearly 2-years I’ve been trying it. I think it may function more as an enabler much of the time, allowing me to dwell on and wallow in my negative emotions instead of constructively confronting them. I also had some vain, silly hope that this might allow me an outlet for things difficult for me to express and so provide a view into my life for my most trusted friends but I don’t think it has been very successful.

Maybe I need to recenter my writing and shape it to be less descriptive and more aspirational. Maybe I just need to change my expectations. Maybe I need to walk away and never return to this blog. But I don’t have to make a decision tonight.

Don’t mistake my quiet for silence
I have so much to say
But where do I begin?

I don’t want to fling words at this wall
Ejecting them from my head
Only to have them burned into my eyes

I want to rob these words and thoughts of their power
Not embolden them

I don’t want to whisper my fears into this room
Spitting them from trembling lips
Only to hear them echo and reverberate into a crushing roar

I want to name these fears to control them
Not be controlled by them

I don’t want to write desperate words for absentee audiences
Foolishly hoping for miracles
Only to have them ignored

I want to hurl these words
Name these fears
Rip open this heart
In broad daylight under open skies unconstrained by walls
Intimately close to you where you I we can’t ignore or overlook what I’ve done

November 3, 2010

Wondering Aloud

Filed under: Poetry — sometimesiknowwhoiam @ 1:37 am

I still wonder
If the weight of my demands crushed you
If the acuteness of my need frightened you
If the difficulty with which I express myself disguised and distorted my voice so badly you couldn’t hear what I tried to say
If the concerns I expressed appeared to be disapproving judgments
If the doubts I carry with me weighed too heavily on you, too
If you finally got to know me as well I thought you knew me
And that’s when you finally realized that I’m not worth knowing
I don’t know
I don’t have any regrets
But

October 31, 2010

Some Day

Filed under: Poetry — sometimesiknowwhoiam @ 2:14 am

Some day
I want this all to make sense

Some day
I want to know that only by carrying the crushing weight of self-doubt have I grown strong enough to believe in myself

Some day
I want to break my silence and know that I’ve really just been saving my voice for when I’m ready to be heard

Some day
I want to escape the emotional straitjacket I’ve made myself wear and know that only its restrictions have inspired in me this patience and creativity

Some day
I want to look at you through bloodshot eyes made red by loneliness and know that I’ve just always been waiting for you

October 27, 2010

Question from a Notebook

Filed under: Uncategorized — sometimesiknowwhoiam @ 1:29 am

How can I “just be myself”
When I don’t know who I am?

Inner Voice

Filed under: Uncategorized — sometimesiknowwhoiam @ 1:28 am

This is inspired by a line in David Brooks’s “Bobos in Paradise.”

My inner voice doesn’t sound like James Earl Jones
It doesn’t have that deep manly growl
Only the higher-pitched whine I hate in my own voice
It doesn’t speak with his unshakable confidence
It only asks questions and offers tepid replies
It doesn’t drip emotion
An iron grip and a lifetime of hiding have wrung it dry
It isn’t iron hard and rock solid
But fragile and frail
It doesn’t grab you and demand your attention
Instead floating through life, affected but unaffecting

October 10, 2010

Burning Woods

Filed under: Poetry — sometimesiknowwhoiam @ 1:29 pm

The trees are on fire
Lit by the cold
Green gives way to orange and red then dessicated brown

Self-immolation: a last, desperate gasp at life

Unspoken Fear

Filed under: Poetry — sometimesiknowwhoiam @ 1:25 pm

I could never bring myself to tell you
Because I believed it was true
So to tell you would make it more real
And this is one reality I didn’t want to live

I often felt like a burden on you
Some of our time together felt like a favor
Gifted from you to me
A hurried and heavy obligation borne unwillingly

So I’m not completely surprised
That you walked away so easily
Friends aren’t burdens
And burdens aren’t friends

October 2, 2010

I Don’t

Filed under: Poetry — sometimesiknowwhoiam @ 11:35 pm

I think I’m supposed to hate you
At least that is what seems to be expected of me
But you’ve never mattered to me
Never registered except through your influence on others
I think we’re supposed to be connected somehow
But we’re not
And I care so little about you
That I don’t care

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