Someday

Someday I’ll tell you that I’m happy
But you’ll know it before I tell you
Because my smile will dazzle you all

Someday I’ll figure out who I am
By understanding what lies under the surface
I’ll free trapped expressions of kindness and connection

Someday I’ll sleep soundly
As the screams of my demons fade
I’ll dream the dreams of a man at peace

Someday I’ll love myself
The way that I love you
With tenderness and without condition

Someday seems so far away
I hope we’ll still be around
When someday becomes today

Surprised

I am uncomfortably familiar with myself
My consistency permits this familiarity
I don’t often remember what I’ve said or done
But I can reconstruct them with ease
And so it’s rare when I surprise myself

I never thought that I would be the one to walk away

Small Thoughts

1. I have mixed emotions about suicide prevention efforts.  How many provide followup care to see if the events that precipitated the crisis are being changed or reevaluated?  Without such followup, I question the effectiveness and morality of such efforts.
2. Discussion of mentors and mentorship makes me a little bit sad because it’s not something I’ve ever come close to experiencing.
3. “This is temporary; it’s just a phase and things will change and be different!” is something I often tell myself. I’m terrified that it’s not at all true and that this really is it. That apparently I’ve been telling myself the same thing for several years now is unsettling.
4. Sometimes I think the money I spend each month on my cell phone could be better spent on…anything. Naturally, this thought enters my mind on days like today when I literally have not used my phone in several days. It just sits there taunting me with the hope of communication and activity, slowly sucking money from my bank account just as it drains hope from my soul. (I know that AT&T is a heartless, cruel company but maybe I’m reading a bit much into this, eh? 🙂 )
5. In the past, when I heard about some of your problems and pains, I wanted to be there for you. I wanted to understand more, ensure you knew that someone was there for you, and maybe help move towards a resolution. But not today, not anymore. I sympathize but I can’t help you.

One Way Life

Although I know others
They do not know me

Gravitational Forces

I wrote this a few days ago but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to share it with anyone. This poem certainly reflects some of my emotions some of the time. But they’re not the whole picture. Or maybe they are and I’m too scared to admit it. I don’t know. I know that I don’t want to hurt myself and I don’t want to hurt her. But maybe those are contradictory goals or maybe I’m just too inexperienced, weak, or short-sighted to see a better way forward. And maybe this will work itself out as we learn how to love one another differently. And maybe part of this is a deliberate attempt to hurt myself by denying myself love and support (it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve reacted by denying myself something as a form of self-punishment).

I love you
But I fear that I must leave you
To preserve myself

You’ve helped me find myself
But too often now
I lose myself with you

You lift me up to dizzying heights
But the tremendous crash afterward
Leaves me dazed and bloodied

I struggle to resist the wonderful pull of your gravity
But your erratic movements
Slingshot me into deep space with tremendous velocity

You travel a path to your own happiness
But I can’t follow you
Because this it’s not my path

I will always love you
But your tidal forces are tearing me apart
So I must keep my distance

I can barely imagine a life without you
But life with you is killing me
I am too fragile right now to be buffeted about so

Open Hands

For much of life, I didn’t know how to hold on
Gripping tightly
   Until circulation ceased
Was the only way I knew
Even though I didn’t even know that

I began to hold on loosely
Gripping firmly but gently
   Grasping but not crushing
But that didn’t work, either
I watched them all slip through my fingers

Now I don’t hold on at all
I only hold my hands out
   Inviting them to hold on to me
And that’s not working very well, either
No one understands my invitations

Questions From a Foreigner

Does everyone else feel as out of place as I do?
Is the world a strange and threatening place for you, too?
Am I alone with my disquiet, confused heart?
Or are you simply better at feigning comfort?

Happiness

When she asked me about my thoughts on happiness
I didn’t have an answer
Because like many things in this life
Happiness is for other people